3.22.2006

my baby is sick...

When you have a child, there are frequent times in her young life when you are filled with frustrations because you are unable to help her as much as you would like to. Times in infancy when she cries and you've fed or changed, held and rocked, but her cries pierce the air because no matter what you do, something is just not right in her world. Or you will walk away from her at daycare and climb into your car to head off to work and just know that her little tear-stained face is pressed against the glass of Margie's warm house behind you because she doesn't want you to go. Or she will walk in the door after school one day when her heart has been broken by her best friend who sat with someone else at lunch and even whispered something in Claire's ear that she is absolutely certain was about her. Or there will be the day of that first breakup. The day when you want to go smack that boy who makes her cry so hard she can't breathe.

As you go through these things with her, and you watch her sleep peacefully at night, you smile a little smile and think, "at least it will get easier as she gets older..."

That is a myth. I'm sorry parents of young children. I'm sorry to break it to you. But as I sit here writing this with anxiety choking me and fighting back tears again because there is nothing that I can do to help my daughter once again when she whimpers with the pain that accompanies her fevers these days as she looks at me with the questioning looks and I have no answers to give her. This is day two (in this round of the bizarre several months of this illness that has befallen her) where she is home from school after a night of very little sleep because she wakes up whenever she moves as the pain in her body requires that she readjust slowly. Three vials of blood yielded no real answers last week. We'll go someplace different this afternoon and to see someone else again next week. She's so tired of the medical community and their lack of answers. She's tired in general. She's seventeen years old (eighteen in just days) and should be celebrating life rather than dreading everything out of exhaustion and pain. What is this illness? Who will help my baby get well?

I feel so helpless.

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