my baby is sick...

When you have a child, there are frequent times in her young life when you are filled with frustrations because you are unable to help her as much as you would like to. Times in infancy when she cries and you've fed or changed, held and rocked, but her cries pierce the air because no matter what you do, something is just not right in her world. Or you will walk away from her at daycare and climb into your car to head off to work and just know that her little tear-stained face is pressed against the glass of Margie's warm house behind you because she doesn't want you to go. Or she will walk in the door after school one day when her heart has been broken by her best friend who sat with someone else at lunch and even whispered something in Claire's ear that she is absolutely certain was about her. Or there will be the day of that first breakup. The day when you want to go smack that boy who makes her cry so hard she can't breathe.

As you go through these things with her, and you watch her sleep peacefully at night, you smile a little smile and think, "at least it will get easier as she gets older..."

That is a myth. I'm sorry parents of young children. I'm sorry to break it to you. But as I sit here writing this with anxiety choking me and fighting back tears again because there is nothing that I can do to help my daughter once again when she whimpers with the pain that accompanies her fevers these days as she looks at me with the questioning looks and I have no answers to give her. This is day two (in this round of the bizarre several months of this illness that has befallen her) where she is home from school after a night of very little sleep because she wakes up whenever she moves as the pain in her body requires that she readjust slowly. Three vials of blood yielded no real answers last week. We'll go someplace different this afternoon and to see someone else again next week. She's so tired of the medical community and their lack of answers. She's tired in general. She's seventeen years old (eighteen in just days) and should be celebrating life rather than dreading everything out of exhaustion and pain. What is this illness? Who will help my baby get well?

I feel so helpless.


squeak squeak squeak...

Ive discussed the need for all of you who find this issue important to become the squeaky wheel in your congress person's ear. I've pointed to articles that basically say the same thing. But I've never read a more eloquently written piece than this one crafted by Jeannette at Two Hands blog. Please read and consider. And then start writing your letters and emails or making your phone calls. Because who among you hasn't been impacted by cancer in some way?



You may have noticed that my blogroll - Warriors/Survivors & Caregivers - had a little growth spurt today. After just a tiny bit of sleuthing around, I found a treasure trove of bloggers out there that I didn't even know existed! Why didn't those of you in the know tell me about all of the lovely people, from survivors to caregivers, and current warriors fighting the fight at this moment, that I wasn't listing?!! No matter. I've got them now. And gradually I'll be running for them and adding them to the inspirations list, as well. Smooches to all of you!

I hope many of you will have a click on their sites and become new readers, as well. There are some incredible stories of hope and strength and determination out there.

If you know of any to which I'm still lacking a link, please let me know.

Currently listening: Every Ship Must Sail Away
from Burning in the Sun
By Blue Merle
Release date: February 2005


stunned silent sadness...

I've been walking in a fog for most of today because of more shocking news. I wrote on the fourteenth about Eric and how I had added him to the inspiration list that day because he was no longer in remission (I had only just recently been introduced to his wife's blog). Today I learned that on Friday night, cancer stole him from his beautiful wife, Amanda. Just like that. Please read the tribute post my blog buddy Dalene put on The Cancer Blog for him.

I also learned today that one of my SIL's good friends, Paula, is going in for surgery for breast cancer this week. Another shock. WTH?

Thank goodness the US Senate approved the big ammendments to increase funding for research and prevention in the FY'07 budget! Check it out! Want to know how your Senator voted?

There are ways you can help in your community. You may or may not remember me blogging about the Navigator program earlier this year. Another great program the American Cancer Society offers (and which utilizes money from Relay) is Road to Recovery. This is their service program which provides cancer patients transportation to treatment and home again as needed. They are in need of volunteer drivers in many communities. If you have a little spare time on your hands and could help out for a small amount of time each month, the ACS provides simple training. Please call your local ACS office, or 1-800-ACS-2345.


iMeme - because it was there so I finally finished it.

iMeme from rudecactus...

Chris had this at his place and while he is truly a musical guru, whose opinion I value highly as I like a lot of the music he promotes at his blog, I am not a guru. Far.From.It. But it looked like a fun meme to play with and just answer on my own. Since I was doing it anyway, I just thought I'd slap it up here.

In the meantime, I've been adding cd's to iTunes left and right, so it is changing as I write, but I'll do it again in six months or so and compare. In the meantime... (note - I have a measily 800+ tracks in my iTunes... Chris has over 10,000!).

Total number of tracks: 886

Sort by song title
First Song: 100 Years by Five For Fighting off Cities Sampler, Vol. 16
Last Song: Yours and Mine by Crosby, Stills and Nash off Carry On, Vol. 2

Sort by time
Shortest Song: With the exception of the intentional chunk of silence from John Mayer's Room For Squares, its the Bookends Theme by Simon & Garfunkel at 0:32 seconds
Longest Song: The Lady of Shalott from The Visit by Loreena McKennitt at 11:34.

Sort by album
The first album, the soundtrack of A Knight's Tale.
Last: X&Y, by Coldplay.

Top 10 Most Played Songs
1. Another Little Hole by Aqualung
2. Strange & Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You) by Aqualung
3. Photobooth by Death Cab for Cutie
4. Clarity by John Mayer
5. Dying to Live by Jonny Lang
5. Stable Song by Death Cab for Cutie
6. Collide by Howie Day
7. Wheel by John Mayer
8. I am in Love With You by Imogen Heap
9. Rememo by Kings of Leon
10. The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice

First five songs that come up on Party Shuffle
1. Strange by Tori Amos
2. Good Things by The BoDeans
3. An' Another by Dave Matthews
4. Bad Day by R.E.M.
5. Brian Wilson by The Barenaked Ladies

Playing in my head: 405 by Death Cab for Cutie

Music on my mind...

First of all, went to that red bullseye in the sky today and spent a wee bit of dollars (with help) on music (which makes my world go 'round, I don't know about the rest of you...) today. Why didn't anyone tell me that Blue Merle sounds Just. Like. Coldplay? I kept walking over to the cd player and picking up the jewel case to make sure I was playing what I thought I was playing when I had their Burning in the Sun cd going. Incredible. At one point I'm standing at the stove stiring lunch (Shut up, Kazoofus. And no, it wasn't mac and cheese. And no, I didn't burn it. Okay, it was a frozen thing, and yes, all I had to do was put it in the pan, turn on the stove and stir... give me a break. But it tasted good... We won't talk about forgetting the side dish until the last minute or the soupy rice, 'kay?), and I turned to stare at the cd player because it was truly uncanny. Keli looked at me and said, "What, Coldplay? Yeah. Really does."


Shufflin' up my iTunes today.

This is what comes up:

    Double Dutch (Iffy, Cities 97 Sampler, Vol. 13)
    Fever (Michael Buble', Michael Buble')
    Blue House (Modern Relics, Cities 97 Sampler, Vol. 4)
    She Has No Time (Keane, Hopes And Fears)
    Box Set (Barenaked Ladies, Gordon)
    Trip Through Your Wires (U2, The Joshua Tree)
    Talk To Me (Keri Noble, Cities 97 Sampler, Vol. 16)
    Red Rubber Ball (Simon & Garfunkel, Old Friends)
    You And I Both (Jason Mraz, Waiting For My Rocket To Come)
    You Dance (eastmountainsouth, Cities 97 Sampler Volume 15)
    Save Me (Dave Matthews, Some Devil)

Are you an iTunes playa? Shuffle them and tell me whatcha got. Give me your top three. I need a lighthearted little glimpse for today. Or we can get deep into it and really do some sorting like Chris did some weeks back in his ultimate iTunes meme, titled iMeme. :) I started it but it is as yet, unfinished. Tonight that sounds like a good plan for me, since I'm musically inclined.

My allergies are kicking me in the a$$. I can think of nothing better than to just sit back (if I sit forward, you don't wanna know what happens. That would be known as TMI), turn up the tunes and play around with the sorting function and see what comes up. I guess you'll find out.

Why not play along?


What a face!

Quick! Head over to David's St. Baldrick's donation page and pitch a few bucks into his pot for giving up his hair to help cure childhood cancer. Keli is so proud to have a young cousin following in her footsteps!


stolen from Vicki...

My personal word cloud...

As Vicki put it:

You just type in your blog URL and viola! It's the essence of you! Or it's the essence of what you put out there for the world to see. It's nice if there's a relationship.

Find it here. A fun way to pass a little time.

Today's miles: still to come
Total so far:
Still to go for goal:


For Deb...

Today I moved and grooved it for Deb. I have so many miles to go. But that's okay. Because that list is long. There are many people for whom I can run. :( I added Eric to that list today. He's been in remission but no longer. Go send some love and positive prayers to he and his lovely young bride, Amanda. And then go email your Senators immediately and tell them to Vote YES on Amendments to Fund Cancer Research and Programs.

Tell your Senators to:

1. Support the Specter-Harkin amendment to increase funding for the National Institutes of Health and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)

2. Support other budget amendments that provide more funding to specific cancer programs and research.

What can happen if your U.S. Senator does not help stop these budget cuts?
- Women could be denied mammograms
- Research on new cancer drugs could be halted
- New technology to better detect cancer could be delayed


Today's miles: 4
Total so far: 136.5
Still to go for goal: 363.5

Currently listening: All These Things That I've Done
from Hot Fuss
By The Killers
Release date: June 2004


blogging, clogging and dogging...

Girls' mini blogher last night. Great time. Mucho fun. Still Waters Run Deep. Mystical joined Zoofy and me. Jenorama did too via phone and text message and spirit. *snort*

We visited four or five (?) different locations. Looked in the windows at a couple others and decided they were far too tame or lame or something. Did some dancing. Did some laughing. Did some talking about other bloggers. Oh, I'm just kidding. We don't gossip. Untied the sun. Spring has sprung. Spent time before and after at Mystical's house visiting with sweet little four-foots.

It was a blast and I can't wait to do it again soon. I'm sure photos will follow at Zoofy's place. (I vaguely remember her asking if there were any that she could not blog and my exclaiming she had "total access - go for it!" or some such ridiculous thing and that she'd best get my signature right away before I changed my mind. heh) Would you believe I didn't take my camera? I left it in my car. I had the camera phone, but my T-Zones are under maintenance at the moment and I doubt any of them are going to turn out anyway... Time will tell.


I grieve...

How could this have happened so quickly?

Dana Reeve


I'm sure dozens of others have already blogged it. I just heard from Robert. Thank you for letting me know, friend.


What I've been up to...

A few people have been asking where I've been. I've been a little busy.

This is what I've been up to. Not quite done yet. Have a bit left to do before we can list it. I have an appraiser coming to take a look on Monday. I'm actually looking forward to that, though. Until things are a go, I'll be a little scarce.

Found out today that another dear old friend with whom I worked eons ago when I was in dietary at good old HMH has cancer and it was a shocker. We all love her a lot and so many prayers go out to Lavetta. Smooches, too.

Gotta get running!